What men get from pregnancy boobies

Men are weird creatures whose preference for a particular female body shape changes with their current state of mind. A guy who’s got his baby goggles tightly fitted will continue to see what eludes most – the intoxicating allure of a pregnant body. Yes, really! At the climax of his baby hints, my husband once exclaimed, “Oh my, her body’s so sexy!” He was poring over a photograph of a 6 months pregnant woman in a bikini.

News of a pregnancy is received in a whirl of whoops of joy and secretly, a lot of gleeful hand rubbing. The man’s eyes take on a salacious glint. He is ready to explore pregnancy’s tasty pluses - the magic twins. The natural size of his woman’s boobies doesn’t count. Flat chested or amply endowed, the expectation is the same. Bigger…B.I.G.G.E.R please! Men are greedy that way.

The tease is on.

The boobies don’t disappoint. The small get bigger and the bigger get enormous. Optical nutrition is a full on feature as brassieres and tops strain and groan and each tinny movement causes a chaotic but oh-so-hypnotic bounce to the chest. For the moment, he’s satisfied and very understanding of the unspoken restrictive rule because, morning sickness is a bitch but it’ll pass - soon. He’s been reading up on pregnancy for dummies, bidding his time. The best is on its way.

The second trimester creeps in and so does the forbidden wandering hand. SWAT!! They hurt like hell.
Wait! What?! Out of guilt, his woman makes a promise she’s sure she’ll keep, “ Third trimester, darling.” The pain will have let up by then, surely.

The 3rd trimester hits with it’s own heaviness. Pelvic pain, knee pain, back pain, heartburn, sleeplessness, peeing every few seconds, and the girls are sore. They are as big as they’ll ever get – or so she thinks.  Another promise is in the offing, “After the baby, I promise.”  The nice man struggles to cling onto that last vestige of hope. He can’t help but start seeing dreams and smoke in the same sentence.

The baby arrives and the first two days show great promise. The pain is gone. They share a tender, private smile. Soon is almost here! Then, all hell breaks loose. Overnight, the boobies turn into humongous painful rocks. The baby isn’t drinking much. She’s having trouble latching and has just about suckled all the skin off of her mother’s tender nipples. Engorgement has set in. The new mama draws a breath at a time through gritted teeth. It’s all she can do to stop screaming out obscenities each time the baby suckles. Soon seems so far away. The new daddy is in survival mode. Any mention of copping a feel and he’s toast.

A few weeks later, things are looking up. No more tears, the baby is feeding wonderfully – bliss - and then, “ Heyyyy…hands off! These are for the baby!”  The poor guy shuffles off.

Optical nutrition is as good as it's gonna get. 


  1. Mine are now enormous and it's really tough. Finding a bra, fitting into any top without looking obscene ahhh

    1. I would LOVE to be you right now...with summer around the corner, filling out that bikini top is all the rage :D.